Five Years Old

Our Litle Fighting Tiger turned five years old yesterday.

I will post a picture blog soon with his birthdays, from day one to this year's, but I need to get all of the pics together first.

Tucker's actual birthday is such a blur to me, I was pretty much unconscious for most of it, due to the pre-eclampsia and the meds to fight the pre-eclampsia.

Two days later, I felt well enough to actually ask to see Tucker, and to roll over in my wheelchair to the NICU to see him.  It was scary and very surreal. It felt like an out of body experience, like there was no emotion attached because it didn't seem possible to really be there. 

That night I promised Tucker and God that if Tucker fought hard to stay with us, I would be the best mommy any little boy could ever want or need.  I had no idea what was ahead for him or us....I just knew that any baby who had such a crappy first few days of life deserved the best he could get from now on.

And I think through everything, Chris and I have kept our end of that deal :)

So for the last few weeks, I have been pretty emotional. We have had a lot going on, with Chris's brother getting married, and my best friend Jessica getting married in a few weeks. The idea that Tucker is able to be there for all of this makes me so happy.

He finished his first year of preschool, and he was not even the kid that missed the most days! 

We have started his ABA program, and just in the first few weeks have seen a huge difference.  Everyone in Chris's and my immediate families has been on board, and the ABA therapist is very impressed that everyone is so supportive. It will all get harder to stick to our guns as we expect more and more out of Tucker, but as time goes on, we hope to be able to do more and more with him, so it will all be worth the work and the hard transitions Tucker has to go through.

We are (as usual!) celebrating Tucker's birthday in a BIG way.  We rented out the local inflatable place for a party; Tucker has been there twice and loves it :)  About 15 kids and 45 adults are coming to Jump for 1 hour and a half, and then to enjoy pizza, sandwiches, and an ice cream cake.  We will have chips for Tucker, of course. 

It is a firetruck theme, so we sent out firetruck invites, he has a firetruck shirt, and we have firetruck shaped sugar cookies for party favors (and no, I didn't make them, I am not quite that talented).  He is also supposed to have a firetruck cake, but we aren't sure how that will work out!  (the firetruck I sent to Baskin Robbins is too heavy to sit on the cake....) It is still hard to tell if he likes presents or not, his face lights up at the word "presents" but I don't know that he will want to quit jumping to sit still and open stuff. So we'll see.

For his actual birthday, Chris and I both had to work. So I had the idea (which Gina says I stole from her!) to take Tucker to Build a Bear at the mall.  Chris and Tucker rode in the truck and met me at the mall after work, and Tucker was so excited. He kept saying "bear store", because Chris told him that is where he was going to pick out his present.  I had never been to the BAB store, but it is amazing. There are tons of animals to pick from, and you stuff it yourself, and then buy whatever accessories it needs, from clothes and hats, to cars and strollers!

Tucker went straight to the Camouflage bear, and never looked back! I wanted him to make sure he picked the right one, so I took my time showing him every single one, but he clung to the empty Camo bear for dear life:) I think Chris had a tear in his eye, lol, he was so proud!

So then, since we knew Tucker wouldn't be asking for his bear to have any clothes or accessories, we didn't mind spending a little extra so that his bear could have a customized sound.  There is a machine with about 20 sounds, you press the buttons to preview the sounds, then you pick which one you want.  So Tucker hit the Star Wars button, you know that theme song? It's loud, and you would all recognize it if you heard it.  Tucker really has no interest in Star Wars, but Chris loves all of the movies.  Tucker happened to be wearing his Yoda shirt that says "Judge me by my Size, Do you?" which of course Chris picked out for him.

So when I told the BAB consultant that Tucker didn't even like Star Wars, I don't think she believed me as he had on a Yoda shirt!  I showed Tucker all of the buttons, some roared, some played "Happy Birthday" and some said "I Love you," but again, Tucker stuck with his first choice.  He pressed that button about 3 more times, then we were sold.

Tucker picked out a heart for his bear, so that it would have a heartbeat when you hug the bear.  The next part was to stuff it and sew it up.  Tucker was NOT happy when the lady took his bear and shoved it on the metal filler part.  It really did look like the poor bear was being violated, as the metal rod was shoved in his back to fill him up with fluff.  Tucker helped push the pedal down so that the bear would quickly be full, then he watched as she sewed it up.  He was SO happy when she gave it back and he got to hold it :) 

Tucker is now the proud owner of a Camouflage bear that plays the Star Wars theme song and has a heartbeat.  He even has the birth certificate to prove it, which is a little odd if you ask me ;)

A trip to that mall is not complete without two rides on the carousel.  We knew that the carousel closes early on weeknights, so Chris ran over to see if it was still on.  He came back saying it was off, so we had to go home. I told him it was way too early, since it was summer time, and I took a turn going check. Sure enough, the carousel was going, so I called Chris to bring Tucker over.  His face lit up when he saw it!  He hasn't been to the mall lately as his behavior was rough the last time we had to take him off of the carousel a few months ago.

Here is a picture of Tucker, with his new bear, riding the carousel.  Also, his Daddy was right next to him taking the picture, so this child was on cloud nine :-) And of course I was standing on the sidelines crying my eyes out. 

He was very compliant when his second turn was over and it was time to go home.  We think that his 5th birthday was fantastic, and we haven't even had the party yet.   Thanks for checking in on us and for all the birthday wishes from everyone for Tucker.

Wedding Weekend

Well after my last post, I wasn't sure if we'd make it to the beach. After 3 hours of sleep on Thursday night, we woke up at 430am.  We packed into Brad's truck pretty quickly, then we were off to Florida.  Luckily, we all slept a good bit on the ride and felt much better.  Tucker slept most of the ride as well.

We stopped for breakfast in Mississippi, and Tucker got out of the truck saying "go to da beach!" Well, we were only at McDonald's, and he couldn't even get a hamburger since it was breakfast time :)  Tucker was so well-behaved for the whole ride, we got to Florida and the beach looked beautiful.

We checked in, unpacked, and all got dressed for the water.  It turned out that the ocean was Freezing!!  Tucker hated the sand, but I knew he'd like the waves, so after several escape attempts, I told him he was going in the water and he was going to like it! :) Once Chris and Tucker got deeper into the water, and they could jump and float with the waves, Tucker was hooked.

 After a while, Tucker was shivering, so I made him get out. He was not happy, but a bag of Cheetos made him perk right back up.  He ended up with sand all over him, and he cried "clean it up" poor baby. So he and I headed to the pool instead.

The big pool also had freezing water, I guess it was too early in the year to be swimming. But the kiddie pool had a warmer temperature (my friend Lacy said it is because the kiddie pool is full of pee!), so we spent our time there.

Baby Kinley joined us with her parents and Sissy and Pops.

We stayed out for a while, then Tucker requested the hotel.  Tucker took a nap, and we got ready for the rehearsal dinner. Jackie's cousin cooked a big pot of spaghetti for all of us, and it was delicious. At the dinner, we saw family members that we hadn't seen in years, and it was so nice to talk to them. I love when Mr. Ricky's brothers get together and all talk about growing up, they have some funny stories!

That night Chris, Sarah, Brad, and I went to Aunt Terri and Uncle Steve's room to catch up while Tucker and Dylan hung out in our condo.

The next morning, we were so tired! But of course Tucker woke up at 6am, so Chris and I tried to sneak him out of the condo before he could wake anyone else up.  That didn't work, as Tucker was way too excited that his aunt and uncle were right there when he woke up.  We ended up going to the grocery store and coming back with breakfast and lunch food, and Tucker helped Sarah and Brad cook a yummy breakfast....by help, I mean that he cracked the eggs and then stole the carton.

We had a very relaxing morning, as Tucker then fell asleep for several hours. Chris's parents, Alexis, and Kinley came over to visit, and we all watched Kinley smile and play.  Once Tucker woke up, I had about an hour to play before I had to leave to get my hair done. So we attempted the pool, but it was even colder than the day before.  So after about 5 minutes, we were back up at the hotel, where Tucker was content to spend the rest of the day.

At noon we all left to get our hair done for the wedding, it was fun just being with Jackie, her bridesmaids, and the moms.  Mrs. Mia dropped me off at a nail salon on the way back so that I could get a mani/pedi....and at 27 years old, my first mani/pedi ever! I didn't have any time to get my nails done before the trip, and I loved every minute of the manicure and pedicure....I will be doing that more often.

Chris and Mrs. Mia came to pick me up, then it was time for all of us to get ready for the wedding. Chris and I were both in it, so I had my dress, jewelry, and make-up to put on, and Chris tried to remember how to tie his tie.  I went over with the bridesmaids to help Jackie get ready, and Dylan stayed to get Tucker ready, and he was on Tucker Duty for the ceremony and reception.

I have to say, it was a beautiful wedding...I knew a beach wedding would be pretty, but my breath was taken away.  I met Chris's brother Justin when he was 14 years old, and we have all known Jackie for 5 years now.  To see them get married, so in love and happy, was truly a blessing. 

The reception was really a blast, everyone definitely enjoyed themselves. The DJ was from England, and wore a kilt. He made us perform all kind of antics, like the chicken dance, hokey pokey, and he somehow got the Groomsmen to dress up as the Village People and do the YMCA.

I can't ever get the pictures to go up and down, but here is one of my favorite pictures of Jackie and Justin at the wedding.

And here is a picture of the three of us.

I just can't over emphasize how good Tucker was this weekend. I don't know if his little body was just so happy to be off of the Focalin, or what it was.  He listened so well, and he actually rested when he was asleep instead of tossing and turning.

On Sunday afternoon, we cleaned a lot and tried to get ready for summer time and the new workers.  I talked to Tucker and told him that school was almost over. I told him that he used to see Mrs. Mary everyday (3 year old teacher), and then that was over. Well now he wasn't going to see Mrs. Amy everyday, but then in August he will go back and have new friends. He thought about that, then in a panicky voice said "See Mrs. Amy!" I told him he would see Mrs. Amy tomorrow, and he said "Owen!" I told him that Owen would be in his class the next day, but then next year Tucker will make all new friends.  I don't think he is one bit happy about any of this.....

One of Chris's aunts is related to one of Tucker's classmates, so all year she has been hearing the little girl talk about Tucker and the preschool class. I saw his aunt at the wedding, and she said she feels like she knows all about Tucker from his classmate, I told her she probably knows more about what goes on at school than I do!  So I know that Tucker's little friends will miss him, too, and it will be a hard transition for him to get used to not being at school everyday.

Top of the List

We are all headed out to the beach tomorrow at 5am, so natually the washing machine overflowed all over the kitchen at 10pm (our washer and dryer are in the big kitchen pantry).  We used all of the beach towels to clean up the mess, and Chris figured out what's wrong...it will take a $22 part to fix it, but of course we are leaving at 5am, so there is no time to fix it.

So....hopefully my Daddy will fix it, so glad he lives down the street :)
I am hopped up on caffeine at the moment, as I am on washing machine watch duty, and I needed coffee to keep my eyelids open. 

But even without the caffeine, I am pretty excited about a service Tucker just got approved for.  It's a one-time thing as it's the end of the fiscal year and I guess the human services district found some extra money they need to spend by June 30 :)

So Tucker has been on the waiting list for diapers forever, he is on a bunch of waiting lists, and likely won't be eligible for many services until age 10 or 11.  And when I add up the cost of his diapers and pull ups, it's expensive! They just get more and more expensive as he gets bigger.

So I got a call last week that Tucker is getting $600 worth of diapers, that is a TON of diapers, lol.

I thought they would be kid-sized Depends, like really ugly and maybe not very user friendly.  Of course Tucker doesn't care, but I don't want other kids making fun of him. It's bad enough that he wears Pull Ups, but at least they could have Cars or Diego on them to be "cool."  Being "cool" is very important in the 4-year-old preschool crowd, as I've learned from other four-year-olds. 

Anyways, the worries were for nothing, as we are getting regular diapers.  I got to pick a vendor, and we are getting 4 cases of Good Nites and 4 cases of Huggies Snug and Dry shipped to our house next week.  A friend of mine had the same situation for her son last summer, and his diapers lasted him until September. 

The idea of not having to buy Pull Ups or diapers until September makes me very happy :)  Of course, having Tucker potty trained and wearing underpants by September would make me even happier.

So I am going to look at the bright side of my son still wearing diapers with his 5th birthday approaching next week....at least I don't have to pay for them :) 

Some Ugly Days

Tucker is, as usual, doing some very cute things lately.  Just when I am at the end of my rope, he does something to crack me up and remind me why I stick around;)  I figured I'd start with some of those stories before getting into the ugliness around here lately.

Tucker loves, loves, loves Black Bear. It is a little happy meal toy (donated, you know he doesn't eat Happy Meals, haha) with a hook on it.  So he can hook BB to his finger and go about his day, knowing BB is right with him.  For my facebook friends who see the pics, you know that BB has made the rounds lately.....Lake Charles, Global Wildlife, grandparents' houses, Easter egg hunts, etc.  And don't anyone DARE touch BB, or you may lose a hand, haha.  So, I was super shocked when on Saturday Tucker picked up a new teddy bear at the store and said "want da bear."  We had told him he could have a prize, we assumed he'd pick chips.  Well he clung to that bear and wouldn't let it go.  So we bought it. Once in the car, he literally threw BB aside and held "Bear Bear" for the rest of the ride. We went to a few more stores, getting ready for our beach trip and Jackie & Justin's beach wedding this weekend, and Bear Bear stayed with us.  He also came to Jackie's nursing school graduation party.

So it has just been hysterical watching him with Bear Bear, then he realized Bear Bear is too big to fit into anything.  Stuffing BB into firetrucks, mailboxes, egg cartons, etc. is a great pasttime of Tucker's, so when he realized new Bear couldn't fit into anything, he majorly freaked out!  Chris had brought him to his parents, and Mrs. Mia called asking where BB was.  I could hear him in the background "black bear, black bear" Mrs. Mia said he realized new Bear didn't fit into the mailbox, and it was over!  So Sarah and Brad happened to be over, so they drove BB right over to Mrs. Mia's, thank goodness.

Tucker has been watching Barney videos lately, and that reminded me of that song "Me and My Teddy."  It is a Barney classic, just in case you never heard of it, and my sister Sarah actually sang it on stage at our school talent show when she was 5 years old, and won first place!  So anyways, I knew that I had the song somewhere in my memory, and once I looked up the lyrics, I started singing it to Tucker.  He LOVES that song now.  Gina and Chris asked me to please stop singing, so I bought it on my IPhone, best 99cents I ever spent :)  His face just lights up when it comes on, it's so cute.

On Tuesday morning, I was in the shower, getting ready for the day.  Mom has been teaching Tucker how to dress himself, and he is really doing well with it.  Well anyways, I'm in the shower, and I hear the bathroom door slam open.  I thought Tucker was asleep, so I poke my head out of the shower, and I see Tucker. He was standing there with his pajama shirt, his diaper, and his knee-high socks with school shoes on!  He said "go to school."  I told him to close the door and get out!  But I was cracking up laughing, as I had no idea he could put on his own socks or shoes.

So with the funny stuff said, it has been awful here since Saturday. On Saturday, we started Tucker on 5 mg of Focalin for ADHD.  There are possible side effects of anxiety, insomnia, and loss of appetite.  Tucker is on 40mg of Celexa for anxiety. We recently moved from 30mg up to 40mg and have seen a big difference. Last week Tucker got "good" and "excellent" behavior at school all week. So we knew we would have an adjustment period with the meds, but we knew we had to start some time.  We wanted to start before his ABA therapy started so that we wouldn't be experimenting with meds and wasting valuable time.

Giving Tucker the Focalin made it seem like he had NO Celexa in him at all.  He pulled his air all day, grinded his teeth all day (which is a horrible sound, and up to that point I hadn't realized that he barely does it anymore), threw fits at the slightest provocation, and would not take NO for an answer at all. He hit people, dogs, and anything that was in his way. 

I of course knew that it was because of the medicine, but my goodness, we still had to make him follow the rules.  And that was so, so tough.  He really doesn't like being at home, he much prefers being in the car. We rode around a lot on Saturday, and he would say "Jason Adeen" for Jason Aldean, and we'd play the CD over and over.  One of the songs was scratched, and he was Mad!  Then he didn't take a nap at all, and on Saturday night, we picked him up from Chris's parents' house at around 11pm, and he was still wide awake.  He threw himself on the floor in a fit when he realized we drove the car, not Chris's truck. Then he was okay on the car ride home, but when we pulled into the driveway I said "we're going inside, it's time for bed. We are not riding the truck" that set off a one hour tantrum. We all fell asleep after midnight.

Sunday was a little better, as he slept the whole morning!  I went to church without him. He actually asked to go to church, I think he really knows the days of the week, and wanted to go as it is part of his routine. But I knew that sitting still for an hour would be too much on him.

Well sitting at home for an hour was too much on him, too, so Chris took him to my parents' house where my Dad was BBQing.  It was a very nice day, and the food was great, but Tucker definitely wasn't himself.  Chris and I agreed that he was better than Saturday, so maybe the meds were not so bad.  I played "Me and My Teddy" on the phone a lot, and then we went home and we all took a nap.  Chris and Tucker played outside for a long time that evening, and we thought things were much better.

On Monday, it was my birthday, and Tucker had a class presentation at 1030. I got up, got us both ready, gave him his meds, and put him on the bus. I did a little work from home, then went to school for 1030. I knew something was wrong when I saw one of the para-professionals walking the halls with Tucker. I know that his teacher Mrs. Amy wouldn't just put him in the hall for no reason, she is very good about making him understand things and changing his behavior.  When I walked up to him, he looked the opposite way, like he didn't even notice me.  When it was time for the kids to sing a few songs, he fought the paras, and did not want to go with the other kids. He screamed a lot, kicked a lot, and said "lights off" a lot. There was a projector set up, so Tucker must have been told earlier that they would at some point turn the lights off. While the other kids sang and shared what they learned, Tucker had to go back in the hallway because he literally could not take being in the class anymore. 

I went out with him, because I really didn't want to hear the other peoples' kids' sing (no offense!!), I wanted to try to soothe Tucker.  I went out in the hall and couldn't even get him to look at me, let alone sit with me to be comforted. I lost it right there and burst into tears, and once they started they would not stop. I thought "what on earth have I done to my child??" He kept saying "walk back, walk back" so I held his hand and walked around with him. About a minute later Mrs. Amy came to get us, she said the presentation was starting and she'd like us to come back in. I was still wiping away tears, feeling frustrated and embarassed that Tucker was so loud and that I had no idea how to make him feel better.

We went in and watched the video with pictures from the school year, but I was just so out of it.  I don't know, it was like something snapped inside of me.  Like I just couldn't sit there, like I wanted to grab Tucker and run home, and just let him be all alone if that was what made him feel okay. But I knew that he had to stay at school and learn that even on the hardest days, you have to listen to the teacher and not hit your friends.

So I left him after the presentation and continued to cry, feeling lost and helpless.  Tucker's teacher called me, emailed me, and texted me, telling me that Chris and I had made the right decision staring his meds. She said that we had to start some time, and Tucker was lucky to have us.  Well on Tuesday morning I only gave him half of a pill, and called the neurologist. She called me that evening and said to stop the med altogether. I hope that the meds get out of his system asap, as I want him to get back to his regular self.  He truly does need help for the ADHD, but Focalin just wasn't the right med for him.

On Tuesday evening, a social worker and Personal Care worker came out from a local agency.  As I work full-time, we are hiring a Personal Care worker for two full days per week to help with Tucker.  We have left Tucker with strangers his whole life, we never really had a choice before.  But I did not realize at all how comfortable I am with his school routine and having my mom with Tucker in the mornings and evenings. I trust them all so much, and I have no problem at all going to work, even four hours away on work trips, because I know how well he is being taken care of. (My mom will still have him some days, and so will Mrs. Mia, but we really do need the part-time help.)

So seeing a PCA worker and social worker, and having to tell them the ins and outs of Tucker, not just his feedings and therapies, but the way he likes to be rocked, and how you can't let him see the eggs in the fridge, because then he is sad and wants them.....well that was too much for me, too! I once again felt lost and helpless, like if I had thought harder or could figure out a better option, we wouldn't have to do this, we wouldn't have to hire anyone.  We have another Personal Care worker coming to meet us tomorrow evening, and I am also going to call a few college students who said they'd like to work with him this summer. 

I have a big blue folder that I created when I went back to work. It has everything about Tucker's meds, doctors, how to feed him, etc. I have so much more to add to it for the summer so that the new workers know everything they need.

Tucker can not talk.  He can't communicate his needs and wants, so any caregiver will have a very hard time without the folder.  The PCAs will need as much as instruction as possible, because they can't ask Tucker for any information.  He also can't supply me with any information on how his day was, or if the PCA spent time with him or was mean to him, so I will have to trust these people implicitly.  I know I am being very overdramatic about this, as I used to be a PCA myself in college, and I was good at it.  But these are just all things that I did not worry about before, and it seems like it all hit me at once.

Also, Tucker rubbed the PCA's legs and wouldn't let go, and then hit the social worker in the face....so then I was worried that no PCA would want to keep Tucker for 10 hours a day, I mean I can barely handle it and I'm his mom!

So these are the things that we have been dealing with this week. Right now Tucker is asleep on the couch, so I am hoping that he still sleeps tonight.  Tucker was definitely still off this evening, hitting Chris any time he wasn't looking at him.  Of course Mom said he was excellent for her this afternoon, imagine that! :)

Please pray that we find the right meds for Tucker so that he can reach his full potential, be less frustrated, and be able to communicate with us as much as he wants to.  Also, please pray for our buddy Kyle who is in the hospital right now recovering from yet another major surgery. His mommy is watching him go through pain I can only imagine, and I hope she feels the love coming to her and her son from all over the country.

ABA Meeting

Last week was busy for us, and we got a lot of new information from two meetings.  Every year Tucker has an Individual Education Plan (IEP) meeting with his teacher, principal, and all therapists.  Chris and I also met the ABA therapist Wednesday night, and talked to her for over 2 hours about Tucker, our frustrations, and our goals for the summer.  He slept through most of it, but Amy got a little bit of time to show us the way we need to start interacting with him.

So first about the ABA meeting:  we have TONS of work ahead of us!  And when I say "us", I don't just mean Tucker, Chris, and myself, I mean everyone of our family members.  The therapist explained that Tucker views all of us as a slot machine.....he pulls on our levers a bunch of times, and while most of the time he gets a "no" from us, all it takes is one more pull to get a "yes" to whatever it is he wants.  For example, he asks me to play in the trucks outside 95 times, and 95 times I say "no" (which is an actual problem we have), but then on the 96th time I might say "yes." Well I just taught Tucker that if he bothers us enough, a no becomes a yes.  Another scenario is if he asks nicely and we say "no", then he throws a fit, and someone else can't stand it and gives in.  Well, then, he just learned that asking nicely gets him nowhere, but throwing a fit in front of that person gets him whatever he wants.  This is just like any other kid; however, Tucker has absolutely NO skills to deal with hearing "no" or "wait" or other negative things that everyone has to deal with in life.

So viewing Tucker's behavior from this analogy of the slot machine helped both Chris and me make a lot more sense out of things.  And with the amount of money, time, energy, and effort we are putting into ABA this summer, there will be hell to pay for whoever messes with our new behavior plan! Just saying, you have all been warned :-) And that includes Chris and me, by the way. 

Amy (which is going to get confusing as Tucker's teacher is also named Amy) listened to all of our concerns and issues (rubbing legs, running for escalators, playing in trucks, turning on all lamps in the house, not being able to transition, not being able to take turns or share), and said that they all come down to two problems:  Tucker does not have the skills to accept the word "wait" and Tucker does not have the skills to accept the word "no".  Which apparently are two different sets of skills.  I told Amy my goal of having Tucker be able to wait 15 minutes in the therapy waiting room, while other kids are around and ladies with shorts on are nearby.   Amy said we are very very far from that goal, as from what she observed, Tucker can barely wait a few seconds for something he really wants.  So that will be a hard skill for him to learn, and we have to get waiting under control before we can move on to hearing "no."  It is all a little overwhelming, but Amy promises us that Tucker shows great potential for this kind of therapy.

Our first thing to work on is "manding" or requesting. A mand is when Tucker would spontaneously come up to me or Chris, and request something.  Not when I say "do you want ____" or "point to what you want."  The goal is for Tucker to spontaneously mand 100 times per hour.  We estimate that right now he mands about 15 times per hour, we can not count repetitive manding, like if he asks for chips 10 times in a row.  I bought pitch counters from the baseball section of Academy, and Chris and I will keep the counters in our pockets so that we aren't carrying around a clipboard with us at all times.  So we will count the mands for one hour a day, for seven days, then we will meet back with Amy to talk about Tucker's baseline data.

We (or I, really) are also completing ABC behavior charts, meaning we write down the problem behavior:  Throwing tantrums, hitting when told "no", etc.  We write down the Antecedent (what happened to trigger the bad behavior), the Behavior (what actually happened) and the Consequence (did we give in to the bad behavior, did he get ignored?), and finally the result....so far one of the results was a 2 hour tantrum :-/ But, we did NOT give in, so as exhausting as it was, hopefully we made some progress.

So anyways, there is a lot to work on, and once the therapists gain instructional control of Tucker (hopefully in the first few weeks) we will start working on potty training. I can not stress to you all how TIRED I am of diapers!  And Tucker is finally starting to show me that he is tired of them, too, yay! :) He pulls on them a lot, and he much prefers running around free of anything, haha. So we keep telling him that we potty like big kids, and we let him watch us (Chris has a real privacy issue with this, haha), and tell him how all the big kids and all of his friends and cousins use the potty.  We need his manding rate to be super-high for pottying, as right now he would never tell us if he has to go, and of course a kid has to be able to tell when he has to use the potty, be able to communicate that feeling, and be able to get his pants off and make it to the potty on time in order for it to all work.  So we are a very long way away, but hopefully we will be working on it soon.

The way that ABA works is that there is a Master's level, certified BCBA consultant (Amy in our case) that runs the program.  She comes in a lot at first, then as the program takes off, she comes in on a weekly or less basis.  Trained therapists come in for 2-3 hours at a time, 5 days a week, for a total of about 15 hours per week, to do the one-on-one sessions that Amy has planned for Tucker. At first, it will be a lot of playing and getting Tucker used to the therapists. ABA is really a lot of fun for the kid, as the child is learning skills that help him or her to understand and interact with the world better.  Tucker craves structure and order, which is why he does well with a set schedule. As we progress, we will be able to be more flexible with his schedule, and mix things up, which right now has about a 70% chance of a tantrum.  Tucker also tries so hard to play with other kids, but he just doesn't have the skills for so much in his daily life.  He still hits kids when he's excited to see them, which of course doesn't make him many friends. 

So he will hopefully be excited and wait by the door for his therapists each day, the way he does right now for Mrs. Joy, his speech therapist.   Once the therapists get the program going, they will take him outside and do more real-life things to work on Tucker's skills in different environments.

Amy was very impressed by Tucker's current therapists and teacher at school, and we all think that this is the perfect time to be starting ABA with Tucker. Please pray that we all do well with the change, as it is just so easy to give in and spoil Tucker, and this change will be hard for us.  Chris and I are moving Tucker towards more and more independence, as much as possible, so this is the necessary next step for him.  Hopefully by the end of the summer we will all look back and see a huge change, and a less frustrated Tucker.

Happy Mother's Day

I have not been blogging lately, as it takes so much emotional energy to share what is truly going on with us.

May is rough for us, as it is IEP (Individual Education Plan) time, time to plan for the summer, and almost birthday time for Tucker.  All of his little friends are heading to kindergarten next year, while he will stay in the 4-year-old class.  While we knew this would happen, pretty much since his 2nd birthday, I would be lying if I said it didn't sting.

Throw in wedding showers, bachelorette parties, graduation, and really getting into my new job, and I am exhausted!  I really have nothing left at the end of the day for Tucker, and I know that's where my heart needs to be.  But honestly, when I walk in the door at the end of the day, and he runs straight past me looking for Chris.....it breaks my heart! He has no idea what I do for him on a day-in, day-out basis, and he likely never will....keeping everything medical and therapy organized, hiring respite workers, making sure he has the right blend of food, educational toys, keeping in contact with all of his teachers and therapsists....it would just really make my day if he could look me in the eye and say "I love you."  But that is my selfish wants getting to me, when really I know I am not guaranteed that on any day or ever. 

I love seeing my cousins chatter on and my niece scream and laugh, it does my heart SO much good to see them and spend time with all of them; however, it is still very hard to watch Tucker not be able to join in like he or we would want.  I know that part of those feelings will never go away, but it's just hard as Tucker's 5th birthday is coming up, and of course we always hoped these issues would be behind us by now. Now we know they never will be, and the marathon of special needs parenting will only end when we die, or when Tucker does.....that is the blunt, honest truth.  So these are the thoughts I struggled with this Mother's Day.

Chris put his heart and soul into making Mother's Day nice for all the moms.  He got me an ice cream cake:) And he got me a Keurig one-cup brewing coffee maker so that I can have my own special coffee whenever I want.  At first I thought he got it because he likes his dad's coffee maker, but then he told me he got it so that I can take it to work and have a pick-me-up when I need it.  I am leaving it at home, though, because if it was at work I'd drink WAY too much caffeine!  So then Chris brought out the ice cream cake, the bacon and eggs. So I had a breakfast of vanilla roast coffee, ice cream cake, bacon and eggs.  We picked out chocolate-covered fruit for our moms, who go above and beyond every day.  Chris played with Tucker all day, and kept him out of trouble at Susan's when he tried to run to the trucks.  Then we went home, Chris put Tucker for a nap, then he headed off to his mom's to cook jambalaya for everyone, which was delicious.

We stuck to our guns at Chris's parents' house, when Tucker tried to sneak into Kinley's room, or when he tried to take things outside that were not allowed. Because no, autism/developmental delay doesn't take the day off for Mother's Day, and if I had let that slide, we would have hell to pay all week long.  So we had some fits yesterday, and some real tears, but Tucker realized that we weren't going to bend the rules just because he was at his grandparents.  Which is a huge step for him and us.

Last night Chris put Tucker into bed and kept putting him back in as he tried to go to our room. Chris asked if he could just sleep with us, as he was too tired to fight him? I said absolutely not, we are not going backwards after our first two days of trying this new program (we just met with the ABA therapist for the first time, and my goodness, do we have some work ahead of us!). So finally Chris and I collapsed into bed, and he said "geez, you are Super Mom."  I said, "I know, and it's exhausting."  He tried to give me a day "off" which would never really happen, and it was too much work.  How dare my mom make it look so easy to raise kids while also taking care of everyone else?  Haha:)

I have been told several times that having Tucker is like having three or more kids.  When you have one child, it is a huge adjustment, and you learn how to put another human being's needs before your own all the time. But hopefully you have a husband or partner to help.  Then if you're lucky, you have another baby.  This adjustment is almost harder than the first, because you are now in charge of two little lives, and you have to balance the needs of the new baby with your older child, and of course the housework, your job, and whatever responsibilities you had from your former life.  But again, you hopefully have a partner there, and you "tag team" parent, with one parent per child.  Now when the third child comes along, all bets are off :) You no longer have enough hands, and the kids outnumber the grown-ups.  Hopefully by this point you are such a professional at changing diapers and multi-tasking that you can handle it, but it is still very hard.

Well, we jumped from no kids to having Tucker all at once, and on most days he is too much for even two people to handle! We need help from so many people, and we recieve it all year long.  So when Mother's Day comes around, we want to thank everyone who's been there for us.  But we're so busy still being Tucker's parents that some very important thanks don't get said and I don't get to make everyone's day as special as I would like to. 

One of my good friends (who has a son that is very similar to Tucker) told me that all that we go through with these little guys is worth it when we see how they change people.  And it is......I see it everyday.  Kids and adults who can't stand "different" people fall in love with Tucker and learn more about themselves.  People grow and change, and become more open because of Tucker.  I am also very blessed to still have my son on earth with me for another Mother's Day, as there were many times when he could have been taken from me.

So I am a very thankful Mommy, at the same time that I wish that things could be a little different.  I must say, Tucker has turned me into a much better mom than I ever planned to be; he is pretty amazing!

I hope all of the Moms out there had a fantastic day, and that they felt the love from their children, here on earth or from up in heaven.

One of "Our" Songs

I have many songs that remind me of Tucker, I have used several of thems for videos of his journey.

Rascal Flatts has a new song, "I Won't Let Go," my Dad said that song reminds him of Tucker and me. Talk about making me bawl my eyes out crying.  I feel that it has been many others, including my parents of course, that have not let me go over the last few years.

As Tucker approches his 5th birthday, my emotions are all over the place.  I don't have the time or the emotional energy to create yet another video, I think we have plenty!  But I still wanted to post this.

I am posting the youtube link to the song, you have to pause the playlist at the bottom of the blog screen so that you can hear just this song.

I Won't Let Go