Sad Mommy

I am having such a hard day! I try not to be sad about Tucker, but sometimes I just miss him so much! I work a few days a week, and it's hard to be away from him. But at the same time, i like to work, and I could not stand to be at the NICU all the time. A grandma came into the shop today with her granddaughter-same age as Tucker-the grandma was so happy-you could see the pride all over her face as she took the baby on errands for the day. 5 months old is such a cute age! I forget how strange our situation is until I see other babies the same age as Tucker doing *normal* things-it brings everything back to me, as if to say: No matter how long he's in the NICU, I will never get used to it, even though I *trick* myself into thinking I'm used to it. He might not even use his infant car seat b/c he might be too big once he comes home. And he gets some "firsts" without me-like for Halloween, he got a lollipop-I saw the pictures last night-I could just cry. It is very hard to feel like a mom to Tucker, even though I know I do everything I can for him. I'm still trying to reconcile my dreams of him with the reality of his situation. It's not that I wish HE was different-I just wish he was home! I wish I could see him whenever I wanted to, and that I was taking care of him. I am having a very hard time attending church, even though I LOVE church-have you ever realized how many babies there are at church?? I swear, every week is baptism week. I'll drive to church thinking that I'll pray and feel better, then I end up sitting right behind a screaming baby-wishing that I was holding my screaming baby. When I'm with Tucker, I'm so happy that I forget we're not a normal family. So I'm going to see him tonight, and I'm sure I'll feel much better.