My Fellow Passengers

For those of you who have not read the story, "Welcome to Holland", read it here: www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html I read that story soon after Tucker was born, and I have been coming back to it more and more often lately. It really does describe how it feels to be Tucker's mom on most days. I am not going to focus on that today; right now I want to focus on the fact that I did not make this trip alone. In some ways, anyone who lands in Holland lands there alone....it is hard to not feel lonely in Holland even in a room full of people, even when your husband and family are there for you....it still feels lonely. I have been reflecting on the past a lot lately, both the good and bad. One thing that strikes me is how much our whole family has suffered, not just the 3 of us, but our extended family as well. There have been some very happy times since Tucker's birth, but our whole family lost the dream of a healthy baby right along with us. I just want to acknowledge the loss that so many others have felt, not just mine and Chris's...but the loss of our parents and siblings. Tucker is the first grandchild on both sides, and the news that we were pregnant brought great joy to both families. I remember when I was about 23 weeks pregnant, Mrs. Mia and Mr. Ricky (or Rickay as we call him when he decorates, haha) brought Chris and me to Babies R Us to pick out Tucker's baby furniture. That was such a happy day, looking at all the stuff we would buy for Tucker, knowing that he was on the way! (Once Chris put the crib together, it sat empty for 8 months....we often feared that he would never get to use it.) When my mom found out we were having a boy, she brought home about 15 outfits, including one preemie outfit...which we were sure he would be too big to wear! The Townsend babies are usually born huge, so my mom joked that I would be too wimpy to carry around my own baby:) My Mom also went to a craft fair and came home with Tucker's first booksack, which had trains and his name embroidered on it. We were all so excited! Chris's parents and my parents raised (or are still raising, haha) a total of 10 children, so we knew they were ready with the advice...colic, feeding, potty training, how to throw a baseball or shoot a rifle...they knew it all! I know they were nervous for us, parenting is hard, after all. But they were excited to get to love a new baby....and maybe happy that they could send it home with us when he was fussy! My co-workers joked that Tucker was going to be the most spoiled and loved baby ever born, and that the nurses at the hospital wouldn't know what to do with so many relatives in the delivery area:) When I was 26 weeks, 4 days pregnant, these dreams came crashing down. I was admitted to the hospital due to dizziness and very high blood pressure...the doctors told me I wasn't leaving until the baby was born. We all though that was insane, didn't they know my baby was not due for over 13 weeks?? At exactly 27 weeks the doctors delivered Tucker by c-section. The waiting room was definitely packed...but the crowd did not greet Chris and me with a newborn...they waited patiently to each have their turn with Chris to see Tucker in the NICU. I slept for almost 48 hours, so almost everyone had seen Tucker before I ever did. They all tried to look cheerful, but I could see the shock on their faces when they visited me in my room. My cousin Morgan was born at 32 weeks in 2000, so I vaguely remembered the NICU. I remembered that she had a nametag on her isolette, it was an Easter Egg. So I told my sister Meagan (Tucker's Nanny) that I wondered what Tucker's name tag would be, maybe a flower since it was May. That must have sounded bizarre!! When they all came in to tell me how he was, I didn't want to hear it, nor did I want to see his pictures. Meagan said, "his nametag is on a fish," to which I replied, "oh that's perfect!" and went to sleep. Our families really came through for us over the last 4 years....anything the doctors or nurses mentioned that he might need-well it was there in a second. Tucker had more blankets than he could possibly ever use (mostly thanks to Mrs. Lynae!), micropreemie clothes my Mom ordered online so I could feel like Tucker was a "real" baby (which was hard to believe), and toys and so many other things to keep us going. Chris and I waited 7 weeks to hold Tucker for the first time, and everyone else waited much longer. Instead of holding our son on the day he was born, his grandparents, aunts, and uncles literally waited months. His grandparents usually were not allowed to hold him unless we were present. After a particularly hard night, and an ugly phone call from me, the charge nurse agreed to always let Tucker's grandparents hold him when they were there. I had to make a large sign that read "Tucker LOVES his grandparents to hold him, please encourage them to do so." Talk about landing in Holland, you would only need a sign like that in Holland! On the day we finally came home from the hospital, my mom and Mrs. Mia had gotten us everything we needed...a double stroller (for Tucker and his vent), all of the organizing supplies the DME company said we needed, my grandparents had got us a wooden rocking chair, and they even had a balloon bouquet in the driveway. Over the last 4 years our parents (and other family members) have spent hours (and hundreds of dollars) traveling to see Tucker in several hospitals, and taking him to doctors appointments and therapy appointments. They still get him anything the therapists suggest. None of this has been easy on them....they have never been able to just go to a toystore and pick out something for Tucker, knowing that he preffered chip bags and medical equipment to anything at Toys R Us....they have never been able to just drop by to visit Tucker, or to even pick up Tucker to take him to their house, as Tucker has always had an overloaded schedule of nursing and therapy visits that they are not allowed to interrupt. And as for the advice they all had ready to dispense....oh how I wish we could have used more of it. Instead of asking my mom for advice on how to care for a newborn, I was instructing her on trach care...instead of bathing Tucker together for the first time at home, Mrs. Mia needed the help of his nurse to bathe him in the hospital for the first time (when he was about 4 months old). Mom attended vent and trach trainings with me, calming me down when I told her I just couldn't do it. All 4 grandparents attended CPR class before Tucker came home....I doubt that is something they thought would be required before getting to see their grandson at home! I have read and been told that grandparents (and other relatives) often have double the grief of the parents....they have their own grief over the problems their grandchild faces, and they also have the grief of watching their grown-up children go through all of this. As a mom or dad, you want to try to make things "all better" for your child, or to make the pain and sadness go away....just as Chris and I can not do this for Tucker, our parents can not do this for us....and I am sure that must be devastating. Through all of this, Tucker's grandparents could not love him more...anytime I complain I get the standard "well he behaves so well for me" or "but he's so stinking cute, how can you be mad?". It's funny how Tucker does certain things that frustrate me and Chris, but everyone else finds them so cute! They all waited years for Tucker to start talking, and now he says "NaNa" "Poppy" "Sissy" and "Pops" fairly well, and of course "Paw Paw" for Paw Paw Ed! He even says "Nanny Bagan" to the point where you can almost understand it! He still has a hard time with Justin (he can't do the "j" or "s" too well), but we all know what he means! Tucker really loves his aunts and uncles...seeing him with them is really something:) Tucker has more love from our family and friends than any child could ever ask for....and for that I am truly thankful.