Letting Go...

These past few days have been very hard for me. I had been looking forward to Tucker's new school year for a long time! I know that being at school all day is what he needs for his development and therapy. He really needs a teacher in charge of him who makes him follow set rules and a routine, unlike being at home with me! And I have been looking forward to a break! I mean, really looking forward to it, this summer was a killer for us....20 minute rides to and from preschool 5 days a week, Gymnastics therapy over an hour away, two OT sessions each week, swimming therapy about 30 minutes away, and two speech therapy sessions...by they end Tucker and I had both had enough, and my poor car probably never sat in the driveway! But at least I was with Tucker for most of his sessions, so I knew what he was doing and learning. Tucker's new teacher writes notes about his day, but now there are 8 hours unaccounted for, which is a bigger deal than I thought. It really makes his lack of conversation VERY noticeable...he can't even answer "yes" when i ask him if he had a nap or if he liked the bus ride? I can't ask him "what's your favorite thing about school?" or "tell me the name of your friends"....the stuff moms live for, right? All of the moms who sent their little ones off to kindergarten last week were very heartbroken I'm sure (and I'm not minimizing those feelings), but at the end of the day they got to hear all about it from little ones bursting with stories....me, not so much. Of course, what did I expect? Nothing really, but I did not expect it to hurt this badly. My poor sister (I know, which one?? Sarah) called me yesterday, and cheerfully asked, "How was Tucker's day?" I snapped at her, "I don't have a clue! He can't talk, did you forget that!??" I apologized to her, and she encouraged me to email the teacher, which I did....I just didn't realize how much those questions would bother me.... Parents are so proud to hear their kids' stories, I am 26 and I still crack my mom up with my crazy stories....I love listening to the craziness that comes out of my cousins' mouths, they think the funniest stuff are the most important things in the world, and I love to hear all about it! So this year I will not be just letting go of my son (yet again) but I will be letting go of so many dreams....dreams that I thought I had grieved and gotten over....obviously not. Tucker also rides the "short" bus, which could be its own conversation I know. Tucker LOVES any kind of transportation, and last year they spent time on the bus outside (it was parked) to get used to it, and Tucker was so well-behaved. He rode a bus last year for his field trip, and he sat still the whole time and loved it. The bus ride from our house to the school is really less than 5 minutes, there is a driver and an aide, seatbelts, and less than 5 kids....really there is no reason for him to NOT ride it. Did I mention he loves it? lol, he runs to it every morning and doesn't even hug me good-bye! That all being said, it really hurts my heart....I know how other kids make fun of the "short bus" and yes I really do care how my son is treated at school. I know that this should not be an issue throughout primary school (hopefully!), but kids can be really mean to kids that are different, and I am not looking forward to that. I think I have always viewed "letting go" of Tucker in a completely different light than other moms. Letting go in Holland must not be the same as it is in Italy....my child was rushed away from me at birth, I did not see him again for 48 hours, did not hold him for 7 weeks, and did not take him home for 8 1/2 months. From that point we had home nursing for almost 3 years, and he had so many therapy appointments and medical procedures that I had to let him attend without me. This was all done with the hope that he would one day be "better." I have been letting go of many dreams this summer and I think I will only have more of this. The idea that MY child would not learn to read and write and just love books(because honestly I'm about the biggest bookworm/nerd ever!) or say "I love you, Mommy" and actually mean it are dreams that will be especially hard to give up and grieve. I have been looking at the bright side and for the silver lining in the clouds for 4 years....I have become very good at it, and honestly it's exhausting. I have been letting go of that need to constantly make everyone else feel better about my son's condition(s), it has made for some pretty sad conversations, and also a feeling of a huge burden being lifted. But it has also opened the floodgates for so much sadness, which is what I'm muddling through right now. I'll end with some lyrics from a song that has gotten me through some tough times, and continues to mean more to me as time goes on: "I was sure by now, God you would have reached down, and wiped our tears away, rushed in and saved the day. But once again, I say 'Amen' and it's still raining" "I remember when, I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cries, You raised me up again, But my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, when I can't find You?" "As the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, 'I'm with you' And as your mercy falls, I raise my hand and praise the God who gives, and takes away." "I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand, You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." Casting Crowns, Praise You in this Storm