The Two Wolves...

I am feeling a little down tonight....feeling a little overwhelmed by the next few weeks. Tucker will be in 3-5 hours of special preschool and therapy 5 days a week all summer...preschool, 2 different speech therapies, 2 OT appointments per week, gym PT and swimming PT...unfortunately, none of this is "extra" therapy, it is all sorely needed...it is going to be intense, and I would be lying if I said I am 100% looking forward to it. I wish he could be at daycare, or summer camp, or just home running around. But at 4 years old, and over 3 years since the NICU, Tucker needs so much help just to "keep up" with other kids and/or learn in his own way. Usually when I feel this way I go to my favorite website, where the other March of Dimes moms "hang out"...but lately it has been down due to technical issues :( I have posted the story about Holland in my first ever post, and it is very nice to talk to other Moms in Holland, experiencing what we are on a day-to-day basis. I have met several of these moms in person, and even a few of their amazing kids. Because I "know" what it is like to have a sick kid, I always get sad when one of the kids is in the hospital or is having a hard time. At one point last week, there were many little boys all in the hospital at once! It made me sad, wondering how so many moms have to watch their little ones in pain, and how they all seem to get through it all and seem so strong... I remember several years ago I came across a posting about wolves on that website...I did not know that mom at all (yet!), I only knew that she had lost her precious baby girl. The post said: An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life... He said to them, "a fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil-he is fear, envy, anger, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other is good--he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too." They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "the one you feed." This story spoke volumes to me then, as it does now. My mom has always taught me about thinking positive thoughts, and that we should not feel sorry for ourselves. This story shows that lesson in a very simple way...the more I feed the evil wolf with negative thoughts, the stronger he will get.... Sometimes people ask me how we do it...how we have been through so much, yet can seem so happy and strong...my friend Kristin puts it nicely: "what other choice do they have?" That's a pretty good answer! Another answer is that I try to constantly feed the good wolf, and lean on friends who have been where I have been....and much worse. To acknowledge the awful feelings inside me, the fact that I really truly wish our story was different. Then to also acknowledge that this is our story, and we have so much to be thankful for and proud of. A friend of mine posted on her blog today, "how can we be bitter, we are still fighting, we are the lucky ones." This mom has been through so much, it is often hard for me to read her updates without crying. Yet she can look at things like that, which is such an inspiration to me. Four years ago, we watched our 1 pound baby fight for his life in the NICU...we saw many babies lose that fight. Some of those babies laid beside Tucker for months, only to lose their fights. We got to take our baby home....those parents never did. Anytime I got down or overwhelmed by the amount of care Tucker required, or the long wait we had for so many of his milestones, I would think of those babies, and be grateful that we still had our Tucker and we were still in the fight. Tonight I also think of those babies, and how I am sure their mommies would be thrilled to be carting their kiddos around to tons of therapy and doctors' appointments. So I am going to feed the good wolf tonight, stay positive, and thank God that Tucker has 8 weeks of intense therapy to help us fight.