What about Dad?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Tucker's premature birth affected my husband. Tucker is our first child, and becoming a dad the way Chris did was not easy. However, he did not realize that he was missing out on anything "normal" until a few weeks ago. When I called Chris to meet me at the hospital, I "knew" what was going to happen. I had blood pressure of 140/100-I knew they weren't going to let me go home. Chris did not want to meet me at the hospital-he was in the middle of putting together Tucker's furniture, and he did not understand why my mom couldn't just take me and then bring me home after. (My aunt had a 32 week baby due to preeclampsia, so I had an idea that could be what I had, too, and that I would have to stay in the hospital for weeks until Tucker was born. Of course, I just ended staying about 4 days, and then Tucker was born. Chris had no clue.) When I was checked in and checked for protein in my urine, Chris just sat there. He did not understand anything that was going on, or why my mom and I were so upset about it. The doctors all said that they delivered babies at 27 weeks all the time, and Tucker would be okay-Chris thought that meant everything was "normal" and "fine." He did not understand that I was losing 13 weeks of my pregnancy and how robbed and horrible I felt. When Tucker was born, Chris was on cloud nine. He was a daddy to a relatively healthy baby boy. We never had a moment in Tucker's life when we thought he wouldn't make it. I know that many of you were given bad odds for your children's survival, and suffered through many diagnoses. Thank God, we never had a time like that. Tucker's only real problem has been his lungs, and the neos warned us of that before his delivery, so Chris still did not see the problem. He went to visit Tucker everyday and told him all the fun stuff they'd do when he came home. I didn't really push Chris to understand what was going on, b/c he had to go to work-we had bills after all, and I thought if he got too upset, he wouldn't be able to function. The day we found out that Tucker was not coming home on his due date was a turning point. We knew that "normally" (if there is a normal in all this), preemies went home around their due dates. That's when my little cousin went home. As long as Tucker came home on his due date, Chris and Tucker had never really missed out on any time. Just me and Tucker. Chris all of a sudden became very protective of Tucker, and in a bad mood all of the time. I had been in a perpetual bad mood, so I said, finally-you get it. But I was so sad! Part of me wishes he never understood it, because then I knew that he lost the innocent happiness that I lost when Tucker was born. Many of the feelings that I have, I have dealt with, at least partially-Chris just started dealing with them. We went to a party for my friend's two year old last week, and Chris was so upset-he said Tucker should have been there, and how come our friends got a healthy baby and not us? Of course, he wouldn't wish a sick child on anyone, but... still??? I said, welcome to my world-it sucks! I am glad to talk to him, but again, I wish he didn't have to go through this! For the last few months, he barely goes to see Tucker. After work he is just too tired, and it is SO HARD to go up to the hospital. It's a 45 minute drive, which is nothing when you're going to see your child, but it just reminds us everytime that Tucker is not home. I told him, "one day, I'm going to say, do you want to see Tucker? And all you have to do is go into his bedroom!" He liked that. The other day, Chris said, "Oh, my God-I am 23 years old-that's how old my dad was when I was born. And I thought he was Superman! Tucker's going to feel that way about me." And I said, "hello-Tucker's 6 months old-you JUST thought of that!?" I've always heard that babies are REAL to the mom when they are pregnant, but not to the dad until they are born. Well, I guess for preemies, sometimes babies aren't REAL until they're home. Now all of a sudden Chris is getting the superdad complex. He already has the T-shirt-seriously-he bought it for himself on father's day. Tucker LOVES Chris-it's so cute! He looks away from his vent every once in a while to look at me, but when Chris is there, he forgets about the vent. It is the cutest thing! And he is doing so well with the trach care. I knew Chris would be a wonderful father when I married him-but he has not had much of a chance to prove that yet. Lately, though, he has been doing great-he doesn't let me or the nurses help him move Tucker or take care of Tucker b/c he wants to do it himself. And he said once Tucker is home, he wants me to work on Fridays (his day off) so that he can spend time with Tucker and take care of him by himself. Us moms-always in the way!! So, I know most of us here on SHARE are moms. I just wanted to remember the dads-especially Tucker's dad. He is dealing with all of this the best that he can, poor thing. I think the healing will really begin when we get Tucker home