I Heart Tucker

They still have not scheduled a date for tucker's surgeries, but they will be some time next week. I think the doctors and the surgeon have not decided whether the nissen will be necessary. Tucker had an upper GI and a PH test which showed that he does not have reflux-however, with the g-tube, babies usually develop reflux. So they might do the nissen just in case-but of course they don't want to do more than they have to in case it bothers him. so i guess they'll decide soon. I held him last night. I just can't believe the amount of love I could have for one person. I knew it would be like that, but I didn't really "know" until he was born. Thanks to everyone for replying to my last post. I feel so much better knowing that i'm not some weirdo. I just feel so guilty all the time when i focus on the bad instead of the good. I feel like I should just be so happy that he's alive, but then there is no "should" when it comes to emotion. Today I had such a bad experience, but I don't think it was really the nurse's fault. Tucker was sleeping when I first got there, but then he was all red and trying to cry-his signs for gas. so i put on his music and checked his diaper-it was very wet, so i changed it, which made him even more upset. Once he poops, he feels so much better, but he just wasn't doing it. The only other thing I know to do is hold him-holding him and moving him usually gets him to poop and feel better, especially when I hold him upright and pat his back. So I told his nurse I wanted to hold him (I don't ask anymore-I tell), and she said no. She said he was upset, so he might pull out his tube, and I could hold him once he felt better. I burst out crying right there. I know that some NICUs have private rooms, but ours is a pod with four babies, so I was crying in front of a bunch of medical people and parents. I was so embarassed. I didn't want to wait until he calmed down to hold him-I wanted to hold him in order to calm him down. Tucker deserves to get held by his mommy when he has a tummy ache, right? That's what I would do with any other baby who cried, and this one's mine, so I was so upset that I couldn't hold him. I didn't know his nurse today, so I guess that's why she said the next thing: "I know it makes you feel better to hold him, but he doesn't need that right now" Sure, I hold him to make my own self happy- I do NOT think so! I have heard and read all of my life all of the benefits of touch and holding for a baby, so why couldn't I hold him? So anyway, I had no rational train of thought at this point b/c i was upset, so I just agreed with her and sat back down. She said "you know, he likes a firm touch" but she must have noticed my face, b/c then she said "but of course you already know that" No, I've just been here for months, yet somehow I know nothing about my child or his care. He eventually calmed back down, and then the nurse came back and said "you can hold him now." Sure, once he was comfortable and asleep! like I was going to move him and aggravate him then! I said, "no, i don't want to bother him. he needs his rest" and then I started crying again! I am 22, but I look about 16, so I wonder if it is my age that makes the nurses treat me like I don't know what's going on. Most of the nurses know me, so they are very nice to me and let me do many things that are not technically allowed. But when I get a nurse that doesn't know me, I feel like wearing a sign "I am intelligent and capable of helping my child-I've been here for months-please be nice to me" his nurse also told me "you know we don't usually allow you to hold while he's on the vent" Yes, of course I know that-that's why I didn't hold him until he was 7 weeks old!!! However, Tucker is an exception b/c he is going to be on a vent for months. We have been holding him as much as we want to lately b/c once he has his surgeries, we won't be able to hold him for awhile. "Usually" they don't hold on a vent, but usually a baby does not get a trach-Tucker is not usual in that respect. I hope to post about happier things soon. I have had a very hard week.