Happy Mother's Day

I have not been blogging lately, as it takes so much emotional energy to share what is truly going on with us.

May is rough for us, as it is IEP (Individual Education Plan) time, time to plan for the summer, and almost birthday time for Tucker.  All of his little friends are heading to kindergarten next year, while he will stay in the 4-year-old class.  While we knew this would happen, pretty much since his 2nd birthday, I would be lying if I said it didn't sting.

Throw in wedding showers, bachelorette parties, graduation, and really getting into my new job, and I am exhausted!  I really have nothing left at the end of the day for Tucker, and I know that's where my heart needs to be.  But honestly, when I walk in the door at the end of the day, and he runs straight past me looking for Chris.....it breaks my heart! He has no idea what I do for him on a day-in, day-out basis, and he likely never will....keeping everything medical and therapy organized, hiring respite workers, making sure he has the right blend of food, educational toys, keeping in contact with all of his teachers and therapsists....it would just really make my day if he could look me in the eye and say "I love you."  But that is my selfish wants getting to me, when really I know I am not guaranteed that on any day or ever. 

I love seeing my cousins chatter on and my niece scream and laugh, it does my heart SO much good to see them and spend time with all of them; however, it is still very hard to watch Tucker not be able to join in like he or we would want.  I know that part of those feelings will never go away, but it's just hard as Tucker's 5th birthday is coming up, and of course we always hoped these issues would be behind us by now. Now we know they never will be, and the marathon of special needs parenting will only end when we die, or when Tucker does.....that is the blunt, honest truth.  So these are the thoughts I struggled with this Mother's Day.

Chris put his heart and soul into making Mother's Day nice for all the moms.  He got me an ice cream cake:) And he got me a Keurig one-cup brewing coffee maker so that I can have my own special coffee whenever I want.  At first I thought he got it because he likes his dad's coffee maker, but then he told me he got it so that I can take it to work and have a pick-me-up when I need it.  I am leaving it at home, though, because if it was at work I'd drink WAY too much caffeine!  So then Chris brought out the ice cream cake, the bacon and eggs. So I had a breakfast of vanilla roast coffee, ice cream cake, bacon and eggs.  We picked out chocolate-covered fruit for our moms, who go above and beyond every day.  Chris played with Tucker all day, and kept him out of trouble at Susan's when he tried to run to the trucks.  Then we went home, Chris put Tucker for a nap, then he headed off to his mom's to cook jambalaya for everyone, which was delicious.

We stuck to our guns at Chris's parents' house, when Tucker tried to sneak into Kinley's room, or when he tried to take things outside that were not allowed. Because no, autism/developmental delay doesn't take the day off for Mother's Day, and if I had let that slide, we would have hell to pay all week long.  So we had some fits yesterday, and some real tears, but Tucker realized that we weren't going to bend the rules just because he was at his grandparents.  Which is a huge step for him and us.

Last night Chris put Tucker into bed and kept putting him back in as he tried to go to our room. Chris asked if he could just sleep with us, as he was too tired to fight him? I said absolutely not, we are not going backwards after our first two days of trying this new program (we just met with the ABA therapist for the first time, and my goodness, do we have some work ahead of us!). So finally Chris and I collapsed into bed, and he said "geez, you are Super Mom."  I said, "I know, and it's exhausting."  He tried to give me a day "off" which would never really happen, and it was too much work.  How dare my mom make it look so easy to raise kids while also taking care of everyone else?  Haha:)

I have been told several times that having Tucker is like having three or more kids.  When you have one child, it is a huge adjustment, and you learn how to put another human being's needs before your own all the time. But hopefully you have a husband or partner to help.  Then if you're lucky, you have another baby.  This adjustment is almost harder than the first, because you are now in charge of two little lives, and you have to balance the needs of the new baby with your older child, and of course the housework, your job, and whatever responsibilities you had from your former life.  But again, you hopefully have a partner there, and you "tag team" parent, with one parent per child.  Now when the third child comes along, all bets are off :) You no longer have enough hands, and the kids outnumber the grown-ups.  Hopefully by this point you are such a professional at changing diapers and multi-tasking that you can handle it, but it is still very hard.

Well, we jumped from no kids to having Tucker all at once, and on most days he is too much for even two people to handle! We need help from so many people, and we recieve it all year long.  So when Mother's Day comes around, we want to thank everyone who's been there for us.  But we're so busy still being Tucker's parents that some very important thanks don't get said and I don't get to make everyone's day as special as I would like to. 

One of my good friends (who has a son that is very similar to Tucker) told me that all that we go through with these little guys is worth it when we see how they change people.  And it is......I see it everyday.  Kids and adults who can't stand "different" people fall in love with Tucker and learn more about themselves.  People grow and change, and become more open because of Tucker.  I am also very blessed to still have my son on earth with me for another Mother's Day, as there were many times when he could have been taken from me.

So I am a very thankful Mommy, at the same time that I wish that things could be a little different.  I must say, Tucker has turned me into a much better mom than I ever planned to be; he is pretty amazing!

I hope all of the Moms out there had a fantastic day, and that they felt the love from their children, here on earth or from up in heaven.